I started a new job this week, as a visiting professor at the University of Arkansas. It’s my first staff position since CNN laid me off in December after two years covering policing. The layoff came at the end of paternity leave, and not entirely unexpected.
The baby wasn’t sleeping at the time, so most of the winter and spring I stayed up at night to handle feedings, burps, diapers, teething, illness, transitions … which I could do without interruption or splitting responsibility because I didn’t have a job. I wasn’t “productive” during that time (basically only doing gym / chores / baby things – I know that’s a type of productive but also in journalism if you’re not producing you don’t exist, and I internalized that too, and felt insecure and unsure of myself during this period). And the insecurity over all that has a long half-life, really.
For a few reasons, I didn’t write at all outside work during that period. Three years, about, two with CNN and the first of the new baby’s life. The nights became a lot easier after I adjusted my schedule so when the baby woke up, he wasn’t waking me up. I stayed up til 3 or 4 every night, playing xbox or reading. And when he woke, we’d sit together for a bit til he was resting again. I wish I had the patience to see long term when I was in the middle of all that. But me and him now, we have a goofy bond, result of the overnights. And I’m glad I was able to be that, for that time.
As soon as he started sleeping on a regular schedule, I felt more capable and generally alive. This teaching opportunity came together around then, this spring. The university hires a different visiting professor every year, to get students exposed to different disciplines. I’ve been looking forward to beginning for months, and have wanted to tell people about it, but just had to wait for everything to be official.
It can feel like some return home to be in an academic setting where interests and history are so strongly tied to journalism. And being in college, you know, you’re optimistic and not yet beaten down by industry. It’s a different environment.
The teaching is not quite guest lecturing, but close. My work’s been mostly violence and I have a range of reporting experiences – have talked with classes about FOIA work, data journalism, our role in society in general, breaking news and enterprise reporting, and general trauma awareness. Trying to encourage a spirit of curiosity and purpose. I’ve met students from a range of disciplines – going into marketing, or government, or advertising, and so I’m learning from them as much or more than they’re learning from me.
Yesterday was the last day of my first week in Fayetteville. I’m wrapping this up from the couch in my basement, after a nice easy flight and city views from over the lake into O’Hare last night. Professional obligations aside, I’ve only been to Arkansas once before, and I didn’t stay long. I’ve really enjoyed seeing a different part of the country.
Part of the fun is the novelty of the whole experience. I have a faculty ID card. I have a desk in an office. Some people have called me “professor,” which feels out of place. Hearing accents from all over the region.There are hills, so I have baby shin splints from walking around campus. Sometimes I get to the top of a hill thinking I’m there, then there’s just another down and up waiting for me.
I just forget what it’s like living in Chicago because it’s home and always will be, and then when I get out I realize how different home feels from so much of the country. The air tastes different, the sky looks different. And it’s easy to see a new city that way visiting, but I also don’t want to dismiss my own instincts about how things seem to work and how that contrasts with Chicago and what doesn’t. Not better or worse, but right now welcome.
Reading
Tobacco Road
‘A Flower for the Graves’
Other books
Matilda
Going After Cacciato
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Angels
‘Salem’s Lot
Some songs
311 - Love Song
No Vacation - Lovefool
RÜFÜS DU SOL – Say a Prayer For Me
Aesop Rock – Mindful Solutionism
Men I Trust – Serenade of Water
Congratulations, Peter, on new Son and teaching opportunity. You are so right about how feeling "unproductive" can be anxiety-ridden for people like us, even when we have good excuses. ( I have been going through some health issues that are soon to be resolved well.) Teaching is such a great opportunity to put on "new eyes" as Proust says. "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." (BTW I saw Arkansas in a new light when I finally watched season three of True Detective. Although it is tough story for someone with kids it is worth a view for the amazing Mahershala Ali.) Good luck with all!
I’m so delighted with this news, and the update. Your voice is such an important one - knowledgeable and compassionate. I’ve missed reading your writing.